my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What a dumb baby whore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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