did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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