I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
