I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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