At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
