i love accidental penises.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
