god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
