if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
