When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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