My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
