Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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