i will never coherently bang her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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