Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My penis needs a shock collar
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
