Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
