I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
