Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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