Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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