she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
