What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
