Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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