She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
