I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
