I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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