my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
