I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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