If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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