okay pat passed out under dana's car
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Randomize
