I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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