my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
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