I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
