Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have already put on my inside pants.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
