uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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