dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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