Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
