i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
