? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
