Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
