i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
