I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
