Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
