Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
