You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Found your dick twin last night
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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