Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
