just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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