I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
