She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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