there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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