I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
