When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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