1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
