I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ttyl tear gas
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
