Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
