she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
